Probably the most common comment I get about homeschooling is, "I could never do it. I'm not patient enough." Or "You must be SO patient!" Not true! Quite the contrary. I have never known how to respond to this comment, and make the information correct. Finally just last week, I came up with an answer, which I hope is not only true, but encouraging to others as well.
You DO NOT need to be patient to homeschool. You need instead to know the hearts of your children. You need to search their hearts and nip bad behavior in the bud. You actually must be very impatient (intolerant) of sin, bad attitudes, naughtiness, etc. If you are "patient", you will allow these seeds of sin grow which will make your life miserable in all areas (and those of future spouses, children, co-workers, etc).
You must be willing to train them to be Godly children, and not wish for them to get sent off each day to avoid dealing with heart issues. You want your children to be a pleasure for you (and everyone you come in contact with) to be around. This requires diligence in observing and correcting negative behavior, as well as reaffirming and encouraging Christ-like behavior. The best way to do this is to be with them all day. Every day. It's hard to overlook sin when you have to be with a person every day.
When a child is sent off to school, heart issues often get pushed under the rug due to lack of time (to notice and then to deal with), or lack of even observation of those issues. They become someone else's problem (the teacher, the class) indefinitely. When siblings are in close quarters each day, this behavior shows it's ugly head much more readily, thus is much easier to tackle. You (as the parent) can see both sides of the difficulties, rather than just hearing your child's version of it at a later time. This gives for much more fair treatment on both sides.
I read an article a few years ago in a magazine about how a family did not tolerate any sibling rivalry in their house. I kind of thought it was normal, even though I didn't like the fighting in our own home. This family related how much they had both fought as children with their siblings, and how much damage it had caused in their adult relationships. They decided that it wouldn't be tolerated in their own home. At all. And it was possible. And it worked. As a homeschool family, you can teach your children how to effectively resolve conflict without all the fighting. Usually, the fighting (in our house) comes from (a) too much sitting still, not enough exercise (b) low blood sugar, right before meals (c) bedtime rowdiness that has gotten out of hand (d) too much sugar/candy in their diets. All of those things can be resolved easily if a parent is in tune with their children and what is "normal" for each child. I've found that no amount of fighting is doable too. But nipping it in the bud is crucial. Promoting Christ-like behavior in all areas (aka. The Golden Rule) needs to be repeated many times each day by Mom and by the kids many times. Often I'll ask, "Is that behavior kind? Helpful? Loving?" That's usually enough to settle things down. Usually both parties are guilty of bad behavior and know how to remedy it as well.
My favorite parenting book/website is called Raising Godly Tomatoes, where the author talks continually about searching out your child's heart more often than you need to look at their behavior. Shepherding A Child's Heart also addresses the heart more than the behavior as well. What is causing the behavior? Why are they acting out/up?
Matthew 12:34 "...for out of the abundance of the heart the mouth speaketh."
From Raising Godly Tomatoes on sibling rivalry, "If you as parents view any unkindness between siblings as meanness and hatred, you will be far more diligent in stopping it. This viewpoint should motivate you to end bickering, contentiousness and strife among your children. It can be done, but it takes persistence and vigilance. When your children are very small, it is not difficult to stop bickering, just step in and correct whatever bad action has occurred. The heart of a small child will very often follow the child's actions, even if he does not fully understand it all. If you diligently correct his selfishness by making him share for example, sharing will become a habit, and you will soon find that his heart has become inclined toward generosity.
"When your children are quarreling, correct them each according to what you know each did wrong. Don't be overly concerned about trying to learn the whole story. Don't try to make things work out perfectly fair. Life is not fair. Try to be just, but not "even" or "fair". Teach them that they must do what is right even if others wrong them. They should be taught to "go the extra mile" as Jesus taught us in Matthew 5:41. Watch for wrong attitudes toward each other. Continue working with all parties until they have a right attitude.
"If you really want to stop all bickering (and you should) then listen, and stop it at the very first wrong tone of voice. Better yet, watch them closely and step in at the first angry look. But don't just tell them to stop. After you tell them to stop, watch and see that they do. If the bickering resumes, step in and give them specific instructions on how to act nicely and get along with one another. Discipline as needed. Require them to apologize if they wronged each other. If they seem to be selectively slow learners in this area, and continue to bicker, separate them, giving them each chores to do if they are old enough, or just having them sit nearby and do nothing until they are motivated increase their comprehension. "
This has really helped me know how much to tolerate and when to step in. Unfortunately when parents "let them learn to settle it themselves", bullying often ensues. The weaker/younger child will end up on the wrong end of the settlement (I've witnessed this in my own life, and my children's lives time after time.) Helping your child learn to do the right thing whether or not they started it or not is essential to getting along with [difficult] people their whole life through (bosses, siblings, co-workers, etc.)
So, all in all, it CAN be done. It's hard work, I'll be the first to admit. You can't spend your days baking cookies in the kitchen with the kids upstairs in a bedroom playing and "out of your hair". You must do everything with one ear and one eye open to their behavior. The kids should be within earshot at all times (and Mom must be willing to take the time to teach and encourage the good behaviors and to nip bad behaviors right away).
Even when things aren't going well (sickness, too many rainy days, new baby adjustments), keep encouraging Christ-like attitudes and behaviors. Thinking of others, squelching pride, and focusing on what is (and isn't) expected of your children will reap blessings untold in the future enjoyment of your children.
Anyhow, I'm certainly not an expert on these things. Just working day by day and trying to mold our kids into decent adults someday. Some days it seems like a fruitless effort, but it's still worth trying, as the alternative is much worse (rowdy, fighting, unpleasant kids in all areas).
Any ideas that help?
From Raising Godly Tomatoes on sibling rivalry, "If you as parents view any unkindness between siblings as meanness and hatred, you will be far more diligent in stopping it. This viewpoint should motivate you to end bickering, contentiousness and strife among your children. It can be done, but it takes persistence and vigilance. When your children are very small, it is not difficult to stop bickering, just step in and correct whatever bad action has occurred. The heart of a small child will very often follow the child's actions, even if he does not fully understand it all. If you diligently correct his selfishness by making him share for example, sharing will become a habit, and you will soon find that his heart has become inclined toward generosity.
"When your children are quarreling, correct them each according to what you know each did wrong. Don't be overly concerned about trying to learn the whole story. Don't try to make things work out perfectly fair. Life is not fair. Try to be just, but not "even" or "fair". Teach them that they must do what is right even if others wrong them. They should be taught to "go the extra mile" as Jesus taught us in Matthew 5:41. Watch for wrong attitudes toward each other. Continue working with all parties until they have a right attitude.
"If you really want to stop all bickering (and you should) then listen, and stop it at the very first wrong tone of voice. Better yet, watch them closely and step in at the first angry look. But don't just tell them to stop. After you tell them to stop, watch and see that they do. If the bickering resumes, step in and give them specific instructions on how to act nicely and get along with one another. Discipline as needed. Require them to apologize if they wronged each other. If they seem to be selectively slow learners in this area, and continue to bicker, separate them, giving them each chores to do if they are old enough, or just having them sit nearby and do nothing until they are motivated increase their comprehension. "
This has really helped me know how much to tolerate and when to step in. Unfortunately when parents "let them learn to settle it themselves", bullying often ensues. The weaker/younger child will end up on the wrong end of the settlement (I've witnessed this in my own life, and my children's lives time after time.) Helping your child learn to do the right thing whether or not they started it or not is essential to getting along with [difficult] people their whole life through (bosses, siblings, co-workers, etc.)
So, all in all, it CAN be done. It's hard work, I'll be the first to admit. You can't spend your days baking cookies in the kitchen with the kids upstairs in a bedroom playing and "out of your hair". You must do everything with one ear and one eye open to their behavior. The kids should be within earshot at all times (and Mom must be willing to take the time to teach and encourage the good behaviors and to nip bad behaviors right away).
Even when things aren't going well (sickness, too many rainy days, new baby adjustments), keep encouraging Christ-like attitudes and behaviors. Thinking of others, squelching pride, and focusing on what is (and isn't) expected of your children will reap blessings untold in the future enjoyment of your children.
Anyhow, I'm certainly not an expert on these things. Just working day by day and trying to mold our kids into decent adults someday. Some days it seems like a fruitless effort, but it's still worth trying, as the alternative is much worse (rowdy, fighting, unpleasant kids in all areas).
Any ideas that help?
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