Changing the impressions that homeschooling moms are patient

Probably the most common comment I get about homeschooling is, "I could never do it.  I'm not patient enough."  Or "You must be SO patient!"  Not true!  Quite the contrary.  I have never known how to respond to this comment, and make the information correct.  Finally just last week, I came up with an answer, which I hope is not only true, but encouraging to others as well.

You DO NOT need to be patient to homeschool.  You need instead to know the hearts of your children.  You need to search their hearts and nip bad behavior in the bud.  You actually must be very impatient (intolerant) of sin, bad attitudes, naughtiness, etc.  If you are "patient", you will allow these seeds of sin grow which will make your life miserable in all areas (and those of future spouses, children, co-workers, etc).

You must be willing to train them to be Godly children, and not wish for them to get sent off each day to avoid dealing with heart issues.  You want your children to be a pleasure for you (and everyone you come in contact with) to be around.  This requires diligence in observing and correcting negative behavior, as well as reaffirming and encouraging Christ-like behavior.  The best way to do this is to be with them all day.  Every day.  It's hard to overlook sin when you have to be with a person every day.  

When a child is sent off to school, heart issues often get pushed under the rug due to lack of time (to notice and then to deal with), or lack of even observation of those issues.  They become someone else's problem (the teacher, the class) indefinitely.  When siblings are in close quarters each day, this behavior shows it's ugly head much more readily, thus is much easier to tackle.  You (as the parent) can see both sides of the difficulties, rather than just hearing your child's version of it at a later time.  This gives for much more fair treatment on both sides.

I read an article a few years ago in a magazine about how a family did not tolerate any sibling rivalry in their house.  I kind of thought it was normal, even though I didn't like the fighting in our own home.  This family related how much they had both fought as children with their siblings, and how much damage it had caused in their adult relationships.  They decided that it wouldn't be tolerated in their own home.  At all.  And it was possible.  And it worked.  As a homeschool family, you can teach your children how to effectively resolve conflict without all the fighting.  Usually, the fighting (in our house) comes from (a) too much sitting still, not enough exercise (b) low blood sugar, right before meals (c) bedtime rowdiness that has gotten out of hand (d) too much sugar/candy in their diets.  All of those things can be resolved easily if a parent is in tune with their children and what is "normal" for each child.  I've found that no amount of fighting is doable too.  But nipping it in the bud is crucial.  Promoting Christ-like behavior in all areas (aka. The Golden Rule) needs to be repeated many times each day by Mom and by the kids many times.  Often I'll ask, "Is that behavior kind?  Helpful? Loving?"  That's usually enough to settle things down.  Usually both parties are guilty of bad behavior and know how to remedy it as well.

My favorite parenting book/website is called Raising Godly Tomatoes, where the author talks continually about searching out your child's heart more often than you need to look at their behavior.  Shepherding A Child's Heart also addresses the heart more than the behavior as well.  What is causing the behavior?  Why are they acting out/up?   

Matthew 12:34 "...for out of the abundance of the heart the mouth speaketh."

From Raising Godly Tomatoes on sibling rivalry, "If you as parents view any unkindness between siblings as meanness and hatred, you will be far more diligent in stopping it. This viewpoint should motivate you to end bickering, contentiousness and strife among your children. It can be done, but it takes persistence and vigilance. When your children are very small, it is not difficult to stop bickering, just step in and correct whatever bad action has occurred. The heart of a small child will very often follow the child's actions, even if he does not fully understand it all. If you diligently correct his selfishness by making him share for example, sharing will become a habit, and you will soon find that his heart has become inclined toward generosity.

"When your children are quarreling, correct them each according to what you know each did wrong. Don't be overly concerned about trying to learn the whole story. Don't try to make things work out perfectly fair. Life is not fair. Try to be just, but not "even" or "fair". Teach them that they must do what is right even if others wrong them. They should be taught to "go the extra mile" as Jesus taught us in Matthew 5:41. Watch for wrong attitudes toward each other. Continue working with all parties until they have a right attitude.

"If you really want to stop all bickering (and you should) then listen, and stop it at the very first wrong tone of voice. Better yet, watch them closely and step in at the first angry look. But don't just tell them to stop. After you tell them to stop, watch and see that they do. If the bickering resumes, step in and give them specific instructions on how to act nicely and get along with one another. Discipline as needed. Require them to apologize if they wronged each other. If they seem to be selectively slow learners in this area, and continue to bicker, separate them, giving them each chores to do if they are old enough, or just having them sit nearby and do nothing until they are motivated increase their comprehension. "

This has really helped me know how much to tolerate and when to step in.  Unfortunately when parents "let them learn to settle it themselves", bullying often ensues.  The weaker/younger child will end up on the wrong end of the settlement (I've witnessed this in my own life, and my children's lives time after time.)  Helping your child learn to do the right thing whether or not they started it or not is essential to getting along with [difficult] people their whole life through (bosses, siblings, co-workers, etc.)

So, all in all, it CAN be done.  It's hard work, I'll be the first to admit.  You can't spend your days baking cookies in the kitchen with the kids upstairs in a bedroom playing and "out of your hair".  You must do everything with one ear and one eye open to their behavior.  The kids should be within earshot at all times (and Mom must be willing to take the time to teach and encourage the good behaviors and to nip bad behaviors right away).   

Even when things aren't going well (sickness, too many rainy days, new baby adjustments), keep encouraging Christ-like attitudes and behaviors.  Thinking of others, squelching pride, and focusing on what is (and isn't) expected of your children will reap blessings untold in the future enjoyment of your children. 

Anyhow, I'm certainly not an expert on these things.  Just working day by day and trying to mold our kids into decent adults someday.  Some days it seems like a fruitless effort, but it's still worth trying, as the alternative is much worse (rowdy, fighting, unpleasant kids in all areas).

Any ideas that help?

Learning as we go!

So, we're only in second grade (with our oldest) and I've had a learning experience with homeschool groups.  I had not intended on having this experience, but am thankful of it.  I am not going to say that my conclusions will be for everyone, but hope you will consider the points that were brought to my attention.

I've belonged to a local homeschool group for the past 2.5 years in our small town.  There were about 8-10 families with 30-40 kids total.  Not everyone came all the time, but 25 kids on a regular basis.  The purpose of this group was to encourage each other, "socialize" our kids, and teach our kids meaningful skills.  We met twice each month.  With my smaller kids it was hard to always get there, so I more tagged along the fringes, coming and helping when I could.

Last summer I was visiting with a young lady (not a part of this group or any group) who had been homeschooled herself.  We began to talk about our experiences and I then asked her what hers were.  "Did your family belong to a homeschool group?" "No"  "Why not?" Her answer summed up my suspicions in a more concise answer than I could have ever come up with.  She said that often in groups such as those (and can happen with any group of non-like-minded people) is that doctrine becomes a problem.  She said that her parents felt that one of three things would happen.

1) You ignore doctrine and pretend it's the same (which does nothing for unity or oneness in Christ)

2) You agree to disagree on doctrine

3) You disagree and can't find common ground

Doctrine is the most important foundation of Christianity (or any belief for that matter) and if you are not in unity, then what is it worth?  How do you teach your kids to discern true from false doctrine if you are exposing them to all sorts of different beliefs (before their own foundation is grounded)?

Because of this, I pondered doctrine some more.  In a book study that I am doing with these same ladies, the topic of doctrine came up (the importance of it in a Christian homeschool).  I asked these ladies how they thought homeschool groups fit into that statement.  None of them had an answer.  One lady finally said that her own family was studying their own doctrines and had sent out surveys to other families they knew to compare.  None of the other families had replied.  She took that as (a) the families didn't even know what their doctrines are or (b) they just don't care what they are or (c) or they just hadn't got around to responding yet. 

Just around this time, a friend posted a video on Facebook on the importance of remaining true to your church's doctrine and not mixing it up with other ones which makes everyone's weaker.  A weak doctrine/belief system/worldview makes for a weak Christian which is an easy target for the devil.

Also at this same time, some ladies that I know suggested starting our own homeschool group.  There are 5 of us whose children, goals, lifestyle are all headed in pretty much the same direction, so we decided to start our own little group.  It was a perfect answer to prayer.  It solved the dilemma.  We are now the Lutheran Ladies Secret Homeschool Society! (sounds fancy, but is more relaxed than ever!)  Our children are more the same ages as the others in this group, and we're all devoted to Lutheran doctrine and beliefs.  Hopefully it'll be a blessing to all involved.

This young lady also said that your children will befriend (and often marry) the people that they know, so who do you want them to marry?  Someone with the same beliefs or someone who they'll be in conflict with (or wishy washy and compromising major beliefs)?

So, there's what I learned!

School update

School work on an ordinary day, Isaac supervising!

Here's another very late homeschool update.  We've been doing well, plugging away each day.  Well, in the perfect world it would be every day!  We usually do 4 days each week, as the 5th usually ends up a town day or an appointment day or a play day or a tired day.  And that's okay!

Luke is in 2nd grade (grade 2 for you Canadians!).  His day looks something like this:

-Math 15 min

-Phonics 10 min

-Journal 10 min (spelling, grammar, sentence structure are included here, Charlotte Mason style)

-Reading/English comprehension 20 min

(total 55 min work, with 5 min breaks jumping on the rebounder in between)

During quiet time in the afternoon he reads science, history and other learning books.

James is in kindergarten.  He does work 2-3 days per week, and his lessons are:

-Math (orally only) 10 min

-Penmanship (writing out his memory verse from Sunday School) 10 min

-Play working in random "learning" coloring books (math, shapes, time telling, etc) from the Dollar Tree

-Learning to read -10 min

We have been reading aloud every evening to the kids.  Since Christmas we've read Charlotte's Web, Stuart Little, The Trumpet of the Swan and now we're working on Farmer Boy (second time through for the family, as James can't remember reading it)

James and Elise help me with morning chores and take turns keeping an eye on Isaac running rampant throughout the house.  We then go for a walk after lunch, then quiet time and then Luke is supposed to practice a piano lesson although he rarely remembers!

I should note that we have stopped going to our old homeschool group and have begun a new one.  I'll write about that in a separate post, as it is a rather lengthy story.

What curriculum do we use?  We went to the homeschool conference and looked a bunch of them over.  The criteria I was looking for was: affordable, very little teacher prep and not too many consumables.  Many of them looked good, but didn't meet all of those criteria.  We ended up using Rod & Staff  since I had found a bunch of teacher's manuals at the Goodwill and so we already had them.  They are a Mennonite/Amish based curriculum so we don't use anything with doctrine in it.  Just their math and reading/phonics.  For science I love Apologia, since it's Charlotte Mason style and is Bible based.  We're planning to go through one book each year and then repeat for the little kids.  The neat thing about them is that you can do everyone's science at once instead of separating the kids out for it.  It can be a family thing even.  We have spent less than $100 for all our needs this school year (to give an idea how affordable it can be).  We use Eclectic Readers for learning to read.  And Ray's Arithmetic for oral math (which both boys do).  I bought as many books used as I could (half.com usually).  I try to buy books that can be used for all the kids so there will be less cost overall.  Math and phonics have consumable workbooks, but the rest are all real books.